On Ranger Rick…and Tits

When we’re little kids, we think our bodies are cool. As soon as we are able, we are checking things out. There’s some cool stuff going on here! Fascinating stuff! Wow, hey, what does this do? What’s this for? We weren’t afraid to check things out, play with them, and we certainly weren’t ashamed (we would learn all about shame and guilt later.) Things just needed to work, we didn’t care what they looked like.

Enter puberty. Puberty changes everything.  Around the time puberty hits, (or you’re waiting for it to because everyone else’s has) there is a shift. We start looking at other bodies. We compare ours to theirs. For some of us it becomes an obsession leading to all kinds of body and self esteem issues.

In one sense, it was an exciting time for me. I was thrilled to become a woman! I wanted curves! I wanted nice clothes, high heals, a boyfriend and a fabulous set of tits! And I knew what great tits looked like. My brother’s under-the-bed stash of magazines was very enlightening in this department. So I waited.

And waited.

In the mean time, I continued shopping in the girls’ section of the store while the other girls in my grade (and several up to 3 grades below me, to my utter shame) were buying clothes made for women. And Bras. I waited. Finally there seemed to be a little growth in this department. Very little. Years passed and my disappointment grew. I looked down at my double A’s again and again and thought, this is it? Seriously?

Clearly my brother’s magazines misled me.They also got me into a fair bit of trouble. I found them under my brother’s bed while cleaning his room-yeah, you read that right. I cleaned my brother’s room. Sometimes. It wasn’t that I was actually forced or even expected to, rather, I was encouraged to develop my domestic skills by utilizing my need to please and my adoration for my brothers. “You know what would be a nice thing to do? You could clean your brothers’ rooms! You could iron their shirts! They will be so happy! They will adore you! Shower you with praise and gratitude!” Likely not even close to my mother’s words, but that’s how things were translated by my mind.

After I found his treasure trove of literature,  I volunteered to clean my brother’s room a lot. Mom was proud, my brother was impressed, and I was learning stuff. Everybody was happy.

But alas, as it always eventually does, the excrement hit the cooling device (as my most beloved writer, Stephen King would say.)  I got busted. I always did (damn it!) I got cornered by my mom and brother for what would be a most humiliating interrogation. Mom, armed with her most guilt inducing stink-eye, asked me, “Have you been looking at your brother’s magazines?” Well, shit. How was I going to get out of this one? Paralyzed by that withering glare, I scrambled for a viable explanation. This is what I came up with: “Um, well, I saw a pile of magazines and thought I’d see if he had any…”-and this was the tricky part, as at that time I had a very limited knowledge of magazine titles (I lived a sheltered life; more about that later) and even less of what a guy might like (other than Play Boy, Penthouse and Hustler, that is.) I could think of only one I saw in school,“…uh, I wanted to see if he had some Ranger Rick* magazines.”

Ranger Rick? Ranger Rick? How lame is that? My brother was like, twenty! Why would an old guy like that have Ranger Rick magazines? Shit!  I’m totally screwed. They know I’m lying and God knows I’m lying on top of looking at dirty magazines.

Everybody hates me. And I’m going to hell.

So my early years sex education came primarily from Porn. Sex was not discussed much in my community, and when it was, it was a topic shrouded in shame and secrecy. Neither extreme is good, and I most certainly don’t recommend dirty magazines for reference manuals. But hey, I was a curious 13 year old with a ton of questions and nobody was talking.

A girl’s got to start somewhere.

*Ranger Rick was a kids’ magazine we had in school. I loved it, but there comes a time where publications of naked people doing the stuff naked people do just trumps those of wild animals and conservation issues. It’s nothing personal, Rick. Your mag was great.

2 thoughts on “On Ranger Rick…and Tits

  1. Reblogged this on introvertomatic and commented:
    Hey everyone, this post is from a blog I follow. It’s hysterical! Just take a moment out of your day, especially if you’re in need of some comic relief, and read this. (Umm… quick word of warning though: if you’re easily offended, you might want to pass. Just saying.)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s